he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The feeling are messing with the penis
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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