Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
