I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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