i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
