How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
