I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
