Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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