Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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