...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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