there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
