Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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