My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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