My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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