Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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