he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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