You made me cry and you don't even care
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
