I just cut my nipple shaving
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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