Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
