i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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