He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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