I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
