Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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