I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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