i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
