nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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