my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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