he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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