the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
