Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
