she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize