she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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