he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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