oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
