yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
