what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
