be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
