how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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