Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
