I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
