I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Randomize
