Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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