I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
