I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
