just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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