I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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