I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Come on in and take your pants off
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