he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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