I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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