thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
