The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
