I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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