Rock
Scissors
Fuck
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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