Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize