shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
